


The Sound of Longing

by MaggieMaybe160



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Castiel (Supernatural) Can Hear Longing, Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester Mutual Pining, Episode: s04e20 The Rapture, Episode: s04e21 When the Levee Breaks, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Torture, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Dean Winchester, POV First Person, Pining, Post Episode: s04e17 It's a Terrible Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 00:02:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19896574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggieMaybe160/pseuds/MaggieMaybe160
Summary: Love. I can repeat the word over and over and I’ve always just seen a blank screen. I guess that’s not true anymore, but who knows what that means? I’m not allowed to fall in love. I’m a solider for Earth, Hell, and now Heaven. I’m a bullet-shield if anything and unworthy of that kind of feeling.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AnonGrimm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonGrimm/gifts).



> I am so happy to have written and been part of FicFacers 2019! Thank you to AnonGrimm! I hope you enjoy! Go check out the full catalog at [ficfacers.com](https://www.juliahouston.com/fic-facers/)
> 
> And another huge thanks to my two alpha/beta team. I love you guys! [nickelkeep](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickelkeep) and [opal_galaxies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/opal_galaxies)

Look, I’ll be honest. The house I’m looking at doesn’t have a monster. It doesn’t have a victim, ghostie, or creepy crawly. It’s just a house that’s empty. The owner hasn’t come home yet. If he has any sort of life on a Saturday, he won’t be coming home tonight at all. I don’t know why Sam is having me waste my breath on this case. There’s nothing in this town. He’s still strung out from our last two weeks. 

Douche with wings zapped us into the corporate life with no memories. We spent two weeks living the lives of civilians with desk jobs. He’s itching to prove that it will never happen again and that he doesn’t want that snoozefest of a life. He’s too busy trying to prove that he chooses hunting to see that there is nothing here to hunt. 

I know I’m happier staking out, cleaning rifles, loading salt rounds, and ganking evil sons-of-bitches, but it felt like a vacation. It felt like a rest from Hell, a moment to breathe after torturing Alistair. 

Sam wants to wash it off and pretend it didn’t happen. He wants to forget the two friends he lost while he was trapped in the mind of an IT pencil-pusher. I could do without the memories of that poor kid in the bathroom. He didn’t deserve to go out just because Zachariah chose to stir up our brains. We could have had that ghost before… What’s his name? Ian? Ian died. I didn’t know him. Sam did. I called him “pencil-neck” and Sam didn’t take it well. 

“He had a name.” 

His name was Ian. He was Sam’s friend, but we’re still not allowed to have friends. Not ones with nine to fives and no supernatural protection. 

I am glad to be back, though. Back to eating bacon cheeseburgers and drinking beer. Back to long hours driving and highlighting newspapers. Back to normal, health-insurance and pay free. I’m back to staring at a boring house and sitting in the car just so I can think. 

I keep running over why I said yes to torturing someone, no matter how evil he is. I had waited thirty years of what I thought was going to be eternity to start torturing anyone. I didn’t want to go back to it the second I was back topside. I didn’t want to look into his ugly face and hear his slimy voice. I know why I said yes, though. _He_ asked me to. 

Mister blue-eyes-and-trench-coat showed up and asked me to do him one little favor and there I was like a lost dog. Any other angel and I know I would have said no. If Zach had asked, I might’ve even told him where to stick it. Junkless did ask, and I told him no. I made the mistake of asking to talk to Cas alone. Talk to the only being that could make my heart run wild and make him convince me to help him with those eyes and that voice. No, it had to be Castiel. It had to be him. 

Something keeps coming up with him. Uriel and Cas have both said that Cas is getting too close to me and that he likes me. The words are a fist around my heart. I don’t know why I care. Anna already told me that angels can’t fall in love. Not that that’s what I’m thinking about because it’s not. 

Love. I can repeat the word over and over and I’ve always just seen a blank screen. I guess that’s not true anymore, but who knows what that means? I’m not allowed to fall in love. I’m a solider for Earth, Hell, and now Heaven. I’m a bullet-shield if anything and unworthy of that kind of feeling. It’s not like I hear that word and think about my pounding heart and sparking lights. It doesn’t mean anything if I hear that word and feel my stomach twist because I think about him. He doesn’t think about me. Not as anything more than some rescue dog from Hell anyway. 

What does it mean he likes me? What the fuck does that mean? It can’t mean anything. I want it to mean something. I want it to mean anything and everything. 

“Hello, Dean.” 

I jump out of my skin and look over to the passenger seat of my previously empty car. “Don’t do that!” Always. Whenever I have a moment to just think, here he is, sitting next to me with his blue eyes narrowed like he can read my thoughts. “Why are you here?” 

“I always come when you call,” he says, the gravel in his voice raking over me. 

“False alarm. I didn’t call.” There’s no point in trying to look back at the most ordinary house. Cas’ eyes are pools to drown in. I can’t breathe. 

“I can hear longing, Dean.” 

What the fuck? What kind of thing is that to say? I don’t long for things. Especially not people. Or angels. I don’t long for him. I don’t long to run my hand down the side of his face or feel his lips on mine. I do not long for his arms around me. I don’t long to be shoved against a wall by him, our noses touching, eyes locked. I definitely don’t long for Castiel. 

“Excuse me? You’ve got the wrong number, pal.” 

“What number? I didn't call you.” Cas shifts, his eyes cast down to my lips before finding my eyes again. “It hasn’t stopped, though. I don’t understand.” 

I force myself to look away and find myself staring at the boring house again. This is the most pointless stakeout in the history of our hunting career. I could be at a bar drinking and flirting with anyone who walks by. Instead, I’m biting my tongue and contemplating how badly I want him. 

“What are you doing here?” Cas asks, his face turning toward the same building that I’ve been watching. 

“Humoring Sam.”

He doesn’t say anything else. I should’ve said something to keep him talking. I could have told a joke that would have gone over his head just so that he would tell me that he doesn’t understand. 

“I’m sorry, Dean.” I wasn’t expecting that. I look back over at him and watch his head turn slowly. His eyes are filled with his apology. “I’m sorry about what happened with Alistair. I should have protected you from Heaven’s orders. I should never have let you walk into that room.”

“Don’t like what came out?” I don’t mean to joke or throw my words back in his face, but I am scared of the answer. His apologies could be his goodbye, and I’m not ready for that. 

“That will never happen.” My heart lodges itself in my throat. “I tried to redeem myself for that by protecting you from Zachariah, but I was detained.”

“You were detained?” The way he talks drives me insane. He’s poetic and formal for no reason.

“Yes.” 

When he doesn’t say more, I feel like it’s my turn. I’m supposed to accept and forgive him. I’m supposed to acknowledge that he’s sorry so we can both move on. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“I have to apologize for my actions after you and Anna…” Can angels blush? Is that what’s happening? “I was jealous. That was one of the reasons I was kept from you. They accused me of getting too close to my charge. I can’t deny that accusation, but jealousy isn’t something that is allowed in Heaven. I could have protected you more effectively if I hadn’t let myself feel so strongly.” 

Jealous? Jealous of Anna. Jealous of Anna when she was a human and asked me for her last night as a human. Jealous of the kiss in the barn before she powered up. Castiel was jealous? Jealous of me or her? Please be jealous of her. 

“What do you mean, jealous?” 

“It’s not of import. I… I should go.” He can’t leave now. Not after he opened that up. 

“Cas,” I hear myself begging as I grab onto his arm. I can’t let him leave. Not now. “Talk to me.”

Cas sighs and I’m sure I’m wrong. I’m wrong in thinking he was jealous of her. Why would he want me? Now my hand is on his arm and I can’t take it away. If he can hear longing, he can probably feel it through his arm by now too. I shouldn’t have stopped him. I could have gone my whole life without this conversation. 

“Uriel wasn’t lying to you when he told you of my affections.” 

I want to scream. I want to ask him to clarify. I want to hear him say it. I need to hear him say it. _His affections_. What? Can you have a heart attack from thinking someone may have a crush on you? I think I’m having a stroke. 

“I thought angels couldn’t fall in love.” Love. He never said he loved me. He said he has _affections_. Whatever that means. Now I’ve ruined it. I’ve lost all of my chances by using the world’s dumbest word. 

“They can’t.” Fuck. “At least, I thought we couldn’t.”

I remember my hand on Cas’ arm and rip it away. He can’t mean it. He has to mean it. “I’m not allowed to fall in love. I’m just a soldier.” I repeat the words that I’d heard and told myself repeatedly through the years. I’m just a soldier. I’m disposable. I’m not meant for love or ‘ _affections_ ’. 

“That does apply to both of us.” Cas reaches out and takes my hand back. I should keep it from him, but his touch is all that I can think about. 

“I guess it can’t be love then.” I lose the fight of not staring at his lips. 

“I don’t think it matters what we call it.” 

Cas drops my hand to cup my face instead, leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. It’s warm and soft and now I think I’m definitely having a heart attack. My heart slams in my chest as if it’s trying to escape as Cas’ mouth opens mine. I feel his fingers dragging through my hair as I pull him against me. His kisses swallow me whole. 


	2. Chapter 2

My phone starts ringing and I groan. Who the fuck is calling me and why? I open one eye and look over at the clock. Six. It’s six in the morning. I grab my phone, closing my eyes again, fully prepared to fall back asleep mid-phone call.

“Yeah?”

“Dean, where are you?” Dammit, Sam. “You said you’d call if anything happened.”

“Did I call yet?” I turn my head and open my eyes to find Cas right where I left him. I don’t know why I expected him to leave after he promised this wasn’t a one night kind of deal. He turns over to face me and looks up at me with his big blues. 

“Did you go to the house at all or did you just go to the bar?” 

Cas’ eyes dip to my lips as his hand comes up. A shiver runs down my spine as his thumb traces over my bottom lip, pulling at it gently. I press a kiss into the pad of his thumb and he moves closer to swap his mouth for his thumb. 

“Dean?” 

“I’m a little busy,” I manage as a very naked angel presses up against me. His fingers lace through mine as his mouth moves to my throat. “I’ll pick you up for breakfast.”

“When?” 

“Tomorrow maybe.” I end the call and toss the phone, not caring where it lands. There’s a thud when it hits the wall and a second when it lands on the floor. Both are drowned out by my own whimpers as Cas wakes me up. 

Cas pins me as he climbs on top of me, kissing me before biting my lower lip and pulling. His hands trail up my sides, his palms leaving goosebumps in their wake. My arms move up under his control, his fingers twining with mine and pressing me into the bed. 

“Why do you continue to long for me when I’m right here?” Cas asks from his vantage point on top of me. His nose is barely touching mine, his breath in my mouth, in my lungs. 

I swallow hard and stare into his eyes. “I don’t,” I lie. I want this to last forever. I want to belong to him and him to me. I ache to have him kiss me, hold my hand, press against me, and make me moan. I crave his touch, his lips, his voice. I want him more now that I’ve had him (six times). I need for this to last longer than it takes for me to get dressed again. 

“Don’t lie to me,” Cas says, lips grazing mine. 

“I don’t know why I want you so badly that you can hear it or feel it or whatever. I don’t know why you drive me insane. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you. I’ve never felt like this, okay?”  _ This _ being completely wrecked and idiotically happy at the same time.  _ This _ feeling of butterflies in my stomach like I’m a fucking Operation game. 

“You have me.” Cas touches his lips to mine without kissing me and whispers against me, “I promise.” He finally captures my mouth, his tongue slipping into my mouth as his last words repeat in my head. 

“Sam is calling again,” Cas says, looking at my phone like it’s a foreign object that might be radioactive. His messy dark hair is even worse and somehow sexier after our morning activities and shower. He’s still not dressed, lying on the bed with his towel loose around his hips as water drips from his hair onto the bed. 

I finish buttoning my pants and grab my phone from the floor. “Did you hear from me yet? Anything happening at the house?” 

“Very funny, Dean. I got your point. It’s not a case. Can we leave now?” Finally. 

“Yeah. Go pack up the car, and I’ll be there in a minute.” I hang up again and shove my cell phone in my pocket. Cas sits up and I have to go to him. Anyone else and I would’ve been gone the second I woke up this morning. I’m half-dressed and can’t bring myself to find my shirt so I can leave.

“I don’t want to go,” I admit as Cas runs his hand down the side of my face. 

“Maybe it’ll be easier for you if you have a word,” he says gently, pressing his forehead to mine. It sounds cheesy and ridiculous, stupid even… I want it. 

“What is it?” 

“It’s easier for me to describe what we have as a bond.” 

“A bond?” 

“We have a profound bond between us. I don’t need any other kind of word. Do you?” His eyes stare into mine, reaching every corner of my soul as he does. 

“A bond,” I repeat, too stupidly attached by it to care how desperately I’ve fallen for him. He gives me one last parting kiss that lingers and fills me with his promise. It still ends too soon, and with a rush of wings, I’m alone. 

I grab my shirt from the floor where it had been on top of Cas’ clothes. His pile is gone, probably poofed away with him or else there’s a naked angel flying around like a church painting. I grab our single key from the floor next to the dresser where we had thrown it last night while already tearing each other’s clothes off. 

“Checking out already?” the attendant asks as I hand him my key. He’s not the same overworked asshole as last night. She had looked over my shoulder at Cas, who had been inspecting the fake plant in the corner of the room, and asked me if we wanted a single king. For the first time, that question didn’t make my skin crawl. 

“Yeah, gotta long drive,” I say awkwardly. I’m sure I’m not this dumb when I check Sam and me out of our various motels. I rock back on my heels and press my lips together to keep from saying anything else. After a moment he hands my phony card back with a customer service grin. 

I walk across the lot to Baby. She’s parked outside of the room Sam should be coming out of any second. Everything feels weird. I don’t know what to do with my hands. I unlock the car and get into the front seat to make sure, one last time, that there’s no evidence of Cas and I. The mirror shows my fluffed hair. I shouldn’t have washed out the product that keeps me from looking like a hedgehog. 

“Dean?” I turn to look out the back window and see Sam walking toward the car with our bags. He tosses them into the backseat and takes his place in the passenger seat. 

“Heya, Sammy.” 

“She must have been something,” Sam laughs and rolls his eyes. My stomach flips, knotting itself up as my face lights itself on fire. 

“I don’t kiss and tell.” I flash a smile hoping that my face isn’t as red as it feels. 

“Since when?” I can’t look over at him. I shouldn’t look. My face will give it away. I look and see his eyes wide and that weird fucking smug smile. Shit. 

“Shut up.” I pull out of the parking lot while Sam laughs. 

“Did you get her number? Do you want to stay in town longer?” Doesn’t matter where I go. Cas will come when I call, whether I meant to or not. He doesn’t have a number, but I have a direct line. 

“Yes. Who do you take me for? And no. There’s no case. We’re leaving.” My heart is beating so loudly I’m sure Sam can hear it over the music blasting. I turn it up louder as Sam opens his mouth to accuse me of having a crush. “I can’t hear you! Music’s too loud!” 

“Really,” Sam says as he practically turns the music off. “We can stay longer while we look for another case.”

“What do you think for breakfast? Pancakes or waffles?”


	3. Chapter 3

“What are you doing here?” I can hear the panic of being found out in my voice just barely covering the joy that he’s here. 

“I can’t do anything with you pining so loudly, Dean,” Cas says, his eyes finding mine in the dark as he steps toward me. “I can’t think about anything else.” 

“Flirt.” I grin and pull him against me by his backwards tie.

It doesn’t feel like a new low to be making out behind a diner. Not when it’s Cas’ mouth on mine, his body pinning me to the building, and his tongue down my throat. It can’t be when I have my hand tangled into his thick hair. I can feel him, hard and wanting, pressed against me. 

It’s been a week since this started. It’s been a week of stolen kisses, midnight meetups, and sneaking around. A full week where Cas hasn’t broken his promise. A week longer than I thought I could ever have. 

“Cas,” I moan into his mouth as his hand runs over my stiff crotch. I pull away to look for where I parked the car, and he moves to my neck, licking down my throat and sucking. I grab his hand and pull him toward the car. 

“Where are we going?” He’s breathless and the blue of his eyes are bright. It drives me crazy, my heart slamming, when his eyes light up because of me. My kisses, my hands, our bond make him look happy and wild. 

I don’t answer him, opening the back door for him and pushing him onto the backseat so I can climb in on top of him. His hands grab my ass, pulling my hips down to meet his as he captures my mouth again, clearly having no more questions about where we’re going and why. 

* * *

“I’m going to go grab a soda,” Sam says as he stretches. I don’t trust where he’s going, but he kind of deserves to get out of the room that we’ve been researching in for hours. “Want anything?”

“I’m good.” I lift my half-empty beer as evidence and sit back, taking the queue to take a break from the computer screen. 

Sam nods to me before he goes. Every time he leaves for “a soda” he’s gone for at least twenty minutes. I don’t know where he’s going or who he’s seeing, but as long as he doesn’t know that Cas is about to show up...

Two weeks and I’m still _happy_. For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say that when Cas is around, I’m actually able to laugh and smile without it being forced. I can breathe for the first time since I was sent to Hell. I can relax and enjoy myself in his company. I used to think he wouldn’t come; that he’d leave me as the one night stand that I am so used to being. I don’t anymore. He’s come to me every time I’ve called, yearned, longed, and cried out for him, just as he promised. Now, I’m filled with the thrill of knowing that he’s going to show up behind me whenever I’m in a room alone. Now, I’m consumed by the excitement of sleeping together in the afternoons while Sam is out picking up dinner for us and having to scramble back into clothes before he comes back. The rush and expectation of his arrival have replaced the doubt. 

The sound of his wings fills my ears and I turn around immediately to find him staring down at me, a smile in his eyes. I reach out and take his hand, standing up so I can be wrapped up in his arms. His lips meet mine and this kiss is sweet and slow. He missed me. 

His hands cup my face as his kisses turn into pecks all over my face. The idea that freckles are angel kisses feels accurate with his lips seemingly meeting every freckle across my nose and cheeks. 

“Hello, Dean,” he finally says, resting our foreheads together as we stand in our embrace, staring into each other’s eyes. It doesn’t matter what we call it. I know I’m in love. I feel the bond, stretched tight when he’s gone, wrapped around us when we’re close. 

“He’ll be back soon. I just wanted to see you.” I sound like a thirteen year old girl, but there’s no helping it. I’m as dumb as twitterpated Bambi, and Cas’ eyes light up because he is too. 

* * *

“Have you heard from Cas recently?” Sam asks, looking up from his book. What does he know? I didn’t think stomachs could physically turn over, but here I am. I think I’m going to puke. Maybe a heart attack? Why is it so hot in here? Am I running a fever? Someone open the window. 

“Nope.” I sound like I’m being choked. He can tell I’m lying. Did he wake up last night when I left to go meet Cas in the parking lot? It’s too hot. This is how I die. I’m going to burn alive from a blush. Is that possible? Monsters are real. Anything’s possible. Fuck. 

“You mean not since the last hunt?” The last hunt. Right. Chuck Shirley writing out _The Winchester Gospel_ and Cas declaring him a prophet. That’s the last time Sam knows I saw him.

“Bingo.” I get up and go to our mini-fridge that’s stocked with just beer. I can’t sit still with this kind of interrogation. “Want one?” 

* * *

“Dean?” His voice comes over the sound of the rushing water of my shower. I jump before I grin and open the curtain. 

“Take all of that off and get in,” I say before ducking back into the hot water. 

He steps in and my heart still skips a beat, like it’s not yet used to seeing him naked after having a very active few weeks together. I step to the side and pull him gently into the water. Pressed together under the water, I just want to memorize his face. His dark hair is shining and sticking to his face as he blinks the water from his big blue eyes. I stroke my thumb over his lips and am rewarded with a kiss on the pad of my finger. 

“Back!” Sam calls from outside of the bathroom. 

I grab onto Cas’ hand to keep him from disappearing. “Shh,” I whisper and he nods, keeping his lips pressed together. He picks up the soap and starts to massage it into my skin, his fingers tracing soapy designs all over me as he keeps himself silently under Sam’s radar. 

Cas reaches his soaped up hand down between my legs and I bite my lip as he holds my gaze. As I grow harder in his hand, I close the distance between our faces. I trace his lips with my tongue after kissing him. He takes my hands in his and spins me around, pressing my flat hands against the shower wall as he presses his lips against my neck and back. One of his hands is in my mouth to keep my sounds muffled as he proves to me how awesome shower sex can be despite being complicated. 

* * *

I’m sitting alone, staring out at the calm waters. My fishing pole rests idly in my hands, the fish neglecting to bite. It’s all the same to me. I don’t eat fish. It feels nice to finally be able to breathe. The sunrise has the water shimmering a beautiful orangey-pink while the world wakes up slowly. The sound of wings behind me makes my heart skip. 

“We need to talk,” Cas says, urgency and anxiety in his voice. It dawns on me that I don’t fish. I’m not allowed these small moments, but I’ve been getting soft, spoiled by Cas. 

“I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” 

“It’s not safe here. Someplace more private.” 

“More private? We’re inside my head.”

“Exactly.” I look up at him and see the worry etched into every line of his beautiful face. I feel his panic settle in my stomach like a rock. “Someone could be listening.” 

“Cas, what’s wrong?” I can’t move. If I could, I would have by now. If I could move, I’d be standing and facing him, kissing away the fear from his face and holding onto him. If only I could fucking move. 

Cas pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to me. “Meet me here. Go now.” He vanishes just as quickly as he appeared and the water around me darkens. 

I jolt awake, the address on the paper as fresh in my mind as the dread in Cas’ eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

I know I’m ruined. I know because I can hear my heart screaming as I comb through the wreckage at the strange address that was given to me by the man I share something  _ profound _ (as he called it) with. I know because I feel sick thinking about the fear in his eyes and the angel sigil on the wall. Part of me doesn’t care if Sam knows anymore. If I can have Cas back right now… If I can find him and hold him in my arms, keeping him pressed against my chest so he can feel my anxious heart, then let Sam see. Anything to have Cas here, safe. 

I turn around and the light from my flashlight falls on him. I’m sure my heart stops. He’s lying on a pile of warped metal and broken glass. I can’t tell if he’s breathing. 

“Sam!” I don’t care to wait. He’s either going to follow me or not. I need to get to Cas. I need to make sure he’s alive. “Cas?” He doesn’t move. Panic rises in me. It might be vomit. Who knows or cares at this point? “Cas!” 

The gasp that comes from him does not belong to Cas. His voice is higher, chilling my entire body as he looks at me without recognition. His eyes are the same color, but Cas’ shine like a thousand stars. Whoever this is, is not Cas. This is Cas’ holy tax accountant. This man doesn’t belong to me. 

“Cas, you okay?” Sam asks the stranger. I want to yell at him. I want to punch him for being so blind. This isn’t my angel. 

“Castiel. I’m not Castiel. It’s me,” the stranger says. 

_ I’m not Castiel. I’m not Castiel. I’m not Castiel. I’m not Castiel.  _

“Who’s me?” Sam demands while I have an internal meltdown. 

“Jimmy. My name’s Jimmy.” 

I don’t care. I couldn’t care less and that’s concerning, but it’s a thought for another time. “Where the hell is Castiel?” 

_ Jimmy _ shakes his head, his empty eyes wide. “He’s gone.” 

He can’t be gone. He can’t just be  _ gone _ . He can’t be gone when all I’ve been doing since he’s been here is fall in love. Wait. Vessel. The vessel has a name and his name is Jimmy. He’s alive, and he’s staring at me, and I feel nothing but the need for Cas to be returned to me. He’s alive and has been alive for every glance, kiss, touch. He’s been alive for every moan, thrust, and orgasm. 

I start to walk away before I’ve decided to. I can’t keep looking at him. He’s an empty shell. I knew the body didn’t belong to Cas from the start, but I wasn’t expecting to have Cas taken from me, leaving the Jesus freak to stare at me and tell me that my boyfriend is gone. 

I can’t hear anything over my blood rushing in my ears and Jimmy repeating over and over and over that Cas, we-share-a-bond Cas, love-of-my-life Cas, is gone. 

I’m only vaguely aware of Sam telling me to pull over to get food. I don’t know how I’m driving right now. My hands are numb on the wheel. I might be gripping it too tight. The smell of burgers fills the car, but instead of the usual hunger, my stomach rolls. 

_ Cas, you stupid son-of-a-bitch, you better still be alive _ , I pray silently.  _ Come back. Come back. Come back.  
_

  
“My name is Jimmy Novak. I’m from Pontiac, Illinois, and I have a family.” 

A devout man from the middle of nowhere built a family. He prayed and met the same angel that I fell in love with. He lent his body, strapped himself to the comet, and woke up a year later in the body that I’d stabbed, shot, caressed, embraced, kissed, and made love to. I’m going to be sick. All I can do is swallow down the bile.

My skin is crawling and there’s nowhere to go. I want to get back in the car and drive away. I didn’t deserve to be saved. I’ve known since day one that I didn’t deserve it. I’m broken. I’m damaged goods. He should have left me in Hell. 

I can’t sit here anymore. I can’t listen to him talk or watch him eat. I can’t do this. I need to be as far away from Jimmy Novak as I can get. I get up and use Sam’s bullshit, overused excuse of needing to grab a soda so I can get out of this stifling room. 

I hear Sam say something to Jimmy. Wait. Is he really offering him a soda? The guy is eating a year’s worth of burgers and has all of the drinks he could possibly need on the table in front of him. Cas may have saved him from his bullet holes and stab wounds, but he never ate. Eats. Cas is still alive. He has to be. 

“So, what do we do?” Sam asks. 

“What do you mean? Guy’s got a family. We buy him a bus ticket. Send him home.” We get that man as far from me as possible so I can breathe again. 

“I don’t know about that.” So what? You’re going to keep him as a pet, a daily reminder that I fucked up and don’t deserve to be topside? Keep him around so that I can stare at him and think that he doesn’t belong in that meatsuit? “Dean, he’s the only lead we got.” 

“He doesn’t know anything!” If he knows anything, remembers  _ anything _ … 

“Are you one hundred percent about that?” 

“You think he’s lying? What, you wanna go Guantanamo on the guy?” 

“Dean, maybe he doesn’t even know what he knows.” Sam shrugs like this is the most casual of accusations, but I feel sicker now. 

Maybe he’ll remember. 

Maybe he’ll remember with hypnosis. 

Maybe he needs a psychic. 

“Hell, maybe Cas will just drop back into him.” 

Once upon a time, I cared about the man behind the curtain. I was disgusted that an angel would possess some poor bastard. Then I forgot that poor bastard. I left all thoughts about him in that barn in Illinois. Illinois, where his family has been without him for a year while I’ve been laying with the man who stole his body. 

“Remember when our job was helping people? Like getting them back to their families?” I have to keep saying it. I have to keep pushing Jimmy away no matter how badly I want Cas back because I don’t want to help him. I don’t want to return him to the family he left. I just want Cas back. Maybe if I ignore both of those thoughts and convince Sam to get rid of his man, I will deserve Cas when he does come back to me. 

Sam keeps talking and I keep spiraling. He wants to keep Jimmy safe. I just want Cas back. I don’t know why I think I can get away with it, but I walk toward the car and start pulling my keys out. 

“Where are you going?” Sam catches my arm. He can probably feel me shaking, but if he does, he doesn’t show it. “You need to tell him.”

“I need to? Why can’t you tell him that we’re kidnapping him? I don’t think it makes a difference who tells him.” It does, though. If it comes from me, then it’s coming from the reason he lost a year of his life. 

“You’re older. You have to do the talking. Where were you going to go?” 

I shove my keys in my pocket and mumble, “Nowhere.” Sam follows behind me as I lead the way back to the motel room that I do not want to enter. I don’t know why I stop to knock. I want as much time between the last time I had to look at Jimmy when he uttered the word  _ family _ and the next time I have to look into his eyes to tell him he doesn’t get to see them. 

“Alright, when do we leave?” Jimmy asks as soon as I step into the room. Sam closes the door behind us and it seems final. Jimmy feels it too, his eyes darting to the door that should be open so he can leave and see his family. His family. My mind keeps repeating that he has a family, and I have no right to be sad about his return to his own body; his own life. 

“Look.” I sigh and run a hand through my hair because it’s the only thing I can do. He’s staring at me expectantly and I only have my one line that I don’t even want to say. “You can’t go home.”

“What the hell are you talking about, I can’t go home?” Don’t make this harder than it has to be, dude. I very clearly want nothing more to do with you. 

“There’s a good chance you have a bullseye on your back.”

“What? From who?” His voice is so much different than Cas’. The way he walks is different. He moves his face too much, scrunching up his nose and moving his mouth wider than Cas does. He’s corrected his tie, too, undoing Cas’ simple mistake. He took off the trenchcoat that Cas only takes off for me. 

I look behind me at Sam. Why can’t he be the one talking to Cas’ shell. Doesn’t he know this is killing me? He can’t know. I never told him. 

“Demons.” I want this conversation to be over. 

“What? That’s crazy! What do they want with me?” 

“I don’t know. Information, maybe.” I’m just repeating what Sam wants me to say. He had a point outside when he told me that we aren’t the only ones who want answers from Jimmy. I just also happen to want to get as far away from him as possible. 

“I don’t know anything!” 

“I know! But-”

“Look, I’m done! Okay? With demons, angels, all of it. I just want to go home.”

“We understand that-”

“No, I don’t think you do understand. I’ve been shot and stabbed and healed, and my body’s been dragged all over the Earth and by some miracle, I’m out! And I am done! I’ve given enough, okay?” 

He says he doesn’t remember. He says he can’t remember a thing. He remembers when I shot him. He remembers my demon blade sinking into his chest with my face inches from Cas’. He’s not saying the rest, but I know he remembers as his eyes pierce through me. 

Jimmy Novak remembers more than he’s letting on. He’s here and Cas is gone. He knows that it’s tearing me apart. He wants to see his wife and daughter. I want to see my angel. 


	5. Chapter 5

The last time I saw Cas, my heart broke. I didn’t think that I would feel it like it’s described in books. Yes, I read. I didn’t think it would feel as physical as a gunshot, but it did. 

Jimmy had run away from us when he became our prisoner. I would have been happy to let him go, but my job isn’t an easy one. Save people. That has always been my top priority. Until Cas. Then, somehow, I let him become my top priority. I let myself want him more than I wanted anything else, including being the good-for-nothing-else soldier I was raised to be. 

A lot happened after Jimmy ran away. Anna informed me that Cas was not dead. He was not gone. He was dragged back to Heaven. You’d think going home for the holidays is a good thing, but not with Heaven. Cas was ripped from his vessel to be brought back to Heaven, and there was nothing I could do. 

Sam and I found Jimmy at his picturesque house in suburbia with demons terrorizing him and his family just as Sam had predicted. It’s easy to forget for a moment to feel sorry for yourself when your instincts and training kick in. I sliced and Sammy… tried to use his psychic boy wonder powers. I ignored it so we could leave. 

As easily as I might have asked anyone else I was saving, I called out to Jimmy, “Where’s your wife?” It stung afterward when we were all in the car together, my backseat a Hallmark card of a traumatized yet perfect family. Jimmy sat where Cas belongs, only there’s his wife and child right there under his arm. 

I tried not to watch as Jimmy had a tearful goodbye, telling his wife what we had told him: he’s a target and his family will be killed if he’s anywhere near them. I watched as she clung to her husband and I forced myself to look away, because it’s not Cas and I have no right to the jealousy or aching loss at my core. 

And then there were three.

It doesn’t matter how far we take him, stuck with the vessel of my lover. The demons had his family and we had to save them. I didn’t hesitate on that front. They’re innocent in all of this. They didn’t want to lose their husband and father. They didn’t ask for Cas to take him away from them. They didn’t even know demons existed until Jimmy walked back into their lives a year after walking out. 

The fight to free the Novaks was short. It doesn’t really matter who fought who. Sam snorted his line of cocaine, the demon blood smeared all over his mouth after gulping it from the neck of one of the lesser demons we were fighting. The important part was Cas returned. 

He took Claire before he took Jimmy back. In that little girl’s voice, Cas promised Jimmy that if he left Claire, taking Jimmy, it would be for hundreds of thousands of years. I watched as Jimmy pleaded, the gunshot wound in his stomach bleeding out quickly. 

With a flash of blinding light, Jimmy was saved and condemned at the same time. When he opened his eyes again, Cas looked out of them, all the stars in the sky back in his blue eyes. 

All of that, and my heart remained intact. I was even elated, on cloud nine as I looked into my boyfriend’s eyes. I was ready to hold him in my arms again, kiss him, and promise him the world. 

But he walked past me. 

“Cas, hold up.” He stopped and turned around to face me, but his expression remained blank. “What were you going to tell me?” The answer was important. To the angels, the answer was important. I couldn’t care less. My heart was beating again now that Cas was back. 

“I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven. I don’t serve man, and I certainly don’t serve you.” 

That. That was the moment I felt my heart shatter in my chest. Cas turned and walked away from me, leaving me there feeling out of breath, and like my world was turning black. 

My world is collapsing with every step I take. Sam is locked in a room, screaming his lungs out as his demon detox terrorizes him. The world is coming to an end. There are bigger problems, and I’m hung up on a guy. 

So I’m screaming and praying to him. I need to see him. I need his help even if he won’t have me. I’m as hopeless as a teenage girl after a breakup. 

“Cas!” I practically tear my throat out with that wail, desperate and alone. I spin in slow circled, exasperated and still unwilling to give up. He has my heart. What am I supposed to do?

The sound of his wings makes my heart leap into my throat as I turn around to face him. “Well, it’s about time,” I say instead of any of the other things that I want to say. If he hadn’t shredded my heart this meeting would be different. I wouldn’t have to put up my guard again. The guard that I’d gotten rid of for him. “I’ve been screaming myself hoarse out here for about two and a half hours now.”

“What do you want?”

What do I want? I want the pieces of my heart. What do I want? I want you, Cas, to pull me into your arms with kisses and promises of forever. I want your apology, answers, and vow to me. What do I want? That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard. 

“Well, you can start with what the hell happened in Illinois.” 

“What do you mean?” he sighs as he walks toward me. I can feel my throat closing. 

“Oh, cut the crap. You were going to tell me something.” I’m begging for an answer and I don’t know what I want from him. I don’t actually care about what he was trying to tell me in my dream. I just want him back. 

“Nothing of import.” His eyes lock with mine and the junkyard melts away around us.

“You got ass reamed in Heaven, but it was  _ not of import _ ?” He looks away from me. Ashamed? Or do I not mean anything to him anymore? What happened that he doesn’t want us to belong to each other anymore? 

“Dean.” Cas’ eyes are filled with worry and warning when he looks back at me. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” He starts to walk away and I grab his arm, stopping him. 

“Cas,” I beg gently. “We have a bond.” My voice cracks and I swallow hard. “You called it profound once. You called it that, but we both know it’s bigger than some stupid bond. It’s so much bigger than that. I just didn’t want to call it anything else because it’s not allowed. It has never been allowed. Not for me. Not for you.” I feel myself shaking and my hand tightens on Cas’ arm. “I’m in love with you, Cas. I knew it back when we first started things. I knew it back in that barn. I knew it when I woke up after that dream and you were gone. It felt like part of me had been ripped away. I knew when I was more worried about you and concerned for your wellbeing than for Jimmy Novak. I know because my life has never been fuller. I have never been more free and more happy in my entire fucking life, and it’s your fault. So, if you’re going to turn around and tell me that you don’t love me, you better do it right now, Cas.” 

I’m breathing harder than I want to be when I release his arm. I watch him turn around slowly, his shining eyes finding mine. They aren’t blank like they had been when he walked away from me a few days ago. They’re filled with pleading and emotions that angels shouldn’t have. 

“I’m not going to tell you that, Dean. I can’t tell you that. I have disobeyed Heaven for you. I will do it again and again and  _ again _ . I have been tortured by Heaven for you; for falling for you. It will happen again. It is not. Of. Import. Because I would do anything for you. I was the one who reached into Hell and raised you from perdition. I was tortured when I was ripped from my vessel. I would gladly do it again if it meant coming back to you. I will do anything for you, Dean. What I was going to tell you in Illinois? That was burned away as I was tortured for being in love with you. I’m not to be trusted with that information because I’m a broken soldier, a useless angel, in love with my charge. In love with a human. I was taken from my vessel for telling you where to find me so I would warn you of something. I was brought back to Heaven and tortured at length for kissing you, laying with you, loving you. For caressing your face, embracing you, going to you every time you called for me. Dean.” Cas reaches up to wipe away the tears I didn’t know had started to spill over. “I love you.”

I take his hand in mine, leading it away from my face as I twine our fingers together. Cas brushes his lips against mine before wincing and taking a step away. I watch the pain on his face as he does it, but I don’t reach out. They hurt him bad. I want to rip apart every celestial son-of-a-bitch that did this to him. 

“Get to the reason you really called me. It’s about Sam, right?” Cas asks as he steps away from me and turns away. His hands are shaking. I’m rooted to the spot, afraid that moving closer might hurt him more. 

Heaven tormented and traumatized him though. He can barely look at me. The two and a half hours that it took for him to come to me makes sense as I picture him flinching at the sound of my voice in his head, praying and screaming. And yet… I’m undeniably his, and he’s still mine, by choice. 


End file.
